


Reaching for a Better You

by hereforwords



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:49:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29069820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforwords/pseuds/hereforwords
Summary: Sasuke's mother had always been fond of love stories. One night she'd whispered down to him that his eyes would let him see it, that he would know when he'd found the one his soul had been searching for. Sasuke had never thought of it as anything more than a kind story to send him off to sleep, an idea that held no real weight in his mind. He could only have one destiny in this life after all, and finding love wasn't a part of it.Even if he could have believed in something like love for himself, Sasuke knew that soulmates didn't exist.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	Reaching for a Better You

**Author's Note:**

> in my heart they're soulmates in every fic i write for them, but for once here it is with all the added trope drama lol aka 'what if having the sharingan actually helped sasuke be happy'

Growing up Sasuke had heard countless stories of his family, about the power of their bloodline and their importance in the village, everything they stood for and all that they had to uphold. Some stories he had heard so many times Sasuke was sure he could recite them in his sleep, while others were only half heard once in passing. Some stories Sasuke never bothered to stop and hear at all, while others he hadn't been allowed to hear, too big for him to understand while he'd still been so young. Waiting until he was older had felt impossibly far away back then, and now Sasuke knew that the moment would never come. 

Just another thing lost before he could find it.

His mother had always been fond of stories, tales of great love and even greater tragedy, souls that were destined to find one another circling the world time and again until they were finally reunited. Once she had whispered to him softly that his eyes would let him see, that he would know when he'd found the one his soul would always be searching for. Sasuke had never thought of it as anything more than a kind story to send him off to sleep, an idea that held no real weight in his mind the older he got. Sasuke could only have one destiny in this life after all, and finding love wasn't a part of it.

Even if he could have believed in something like love for himself, Sasuke knew that soulmates didn't exist. 

When he saw Naruto again after so many years, watched as his broken expression came into view as the dust cleared around them, Sasuke wasn't thinking about what it could mean for them. Sasuke didn't care that he'd been found, that Naruto had apparently been out there searching for him from the moment he'd left. The only thing that could matter now was that they wanted to take him away from his mission, and Sasuke knew he couldn't allow that. It didn't matter that Naruto's voice was breaking apart down the middle, and that for some reason the sound of it left Sasuke paper thin inside.

Only one thing could matter to him now, and it wasn't Naruto. It could never be Naruto again.

Sasuke attacked because it was the only thing he could do, not because Naruto's eyes were too close and his words too hurt. Naruto was simply in his way, almost like no time had passed at all. He'd fought Naruto so many times in his mind it felt almost surreal to actually be standing with him again, though Naruto didn't fight back the way he should have. 

Sasuke's blade was crackling in his hand now, pressed into the chest of Kakashi's replacement like he'd lost himself for a moment when he heard Naruto groan on the ground beside them. Sasuke turned and watched as Naruto pushed himself up onto hands and knees, the nails on his hands turning to claws as the chakra around him turned dark and sinister. When Naruto lifted his head his blue eyes were nowhere to be found, red now rimmed in black, looking right back into Sasuke's eyes like a fool. 

Sasuke didn't think anything of it as he slipped inside, shocked for a moment but ultimately not affected by what he found living inside Naruto. So many little things suddenly made a painful amount of sense, but that pain was just another thing that couldn't matter anymore. Sasuke pulled his hand into a fist and watched the monster living in Naruto disappear, bubbles of red clinging to everything before they were gone, leaving just the two of them. Sasuke glanced over then, took in the shock on Naruto's face and decided that he'd been there with him for long enough. He moved to pull both of them back to themselves like he had with so many people before, almost easier than breathing.

But nothing changed. 

Naruto was still just standing there looking at him, and Sasuke forced himself to focus as panic started to pound against his chest. He tried again, but still nothing happened. Nothing changed. Naruto was still looking at him with all that impossible blue and Sasuke couldn't seem to remember how to turn away. The inside of Naruto's mind started to fade away from around them then until it was really just the two of them, like they were the only things that could matter enough to exist, like they were the only person the other could ever want or need to see again. 

Naruto looked around briefly before meeting his eyes again, taking a step towards Sasuke that he found himself mirroring without any intention of doing so. 

This shouldn't have been happening, and distantly Sasuke knew that he should have been panicked by his lack of control but the feeling waded further and further away from him the closer he and Naruto got to one another, until Naruto was just a step away and Sasuke couldn't remember how to feel badly about anything anymore. A sense of calm fell over him that Sasuke couldn't remember experiencing before, a kind of weightlessness he'd accepted was lost to the memories of the most distant parts of his childhood.

"Come home," Naruto said softly, easy and awful, "I know you want to."

"No." Sasuke forced the words out, his tongue nothing but ash in his mouth. "I have to do this." 

Naruto gave him that sad smile of his as the blue of his eyes seemed to fade, and then in the next moment the whole of him started to go dull and distant too. "So do I. I'm never gonna stop fighting for you."

"Naruto," Sasuke began to say just as all the arguments inside of him died, suddenly so tired it was all he could do to stay standing, "I'm not worth it."

"Yes you are." Naruto reached out his hand, resting it on Sasuke's chest right over his heart. His eyes felt impossibly wide. "Yes you are."

Sasuke couldn't remember how to speak, lost in how close Naruto was, drinking in every detail he hadn't been able to see for years, soaking in all the others he'd never seen at all. Naruto was the only thing for him to see but Sasuke knew he wouldn't have looked away even if it had burned out his eyes not to do so. Naruto was almost glowing, close to otherworldly somehow, like the whole of him was too much for Sasuke to take in, like he was too good of a person for Sasuke to dream of being able to reach out for now. 

"Naruto," Sasuke said again just as his eyes started to burn, his voice gone rough and damp. He had no idea what was happening to them or why, so overcome with emotion it was all that he could do to stay upright against it. Feelings he had always refused to even consider were beating against his chest, louder than his heart and completely unavoidable. Sasuke felt moments away from drowning, and Naruto was his one path to dry land. The hand on his chest pulled away until Naruto was holding his face, his thumb rubbing the wetness away from beneath Sasuke's eye. 

"You can't run forever Sasuke."

Sasuke couldn't breathe as Naruto leaned in, close enough now that Sasuke could feel his breath. It was impossible that this was real, so close that one small step from either of them would have pressed them together, but Sasuke couldn't remember how to care anymore. No moment had ever felt as right as this one, as true, like he was finally settling into himself after having been misfit his whole life. Sasuke had never dreamed that he could be missing so much, so much beautiful existence that he'd long ago accepted had died in him forever. 

Blinking back into himself was more jarring than Sasuke could have prepared himself for, the sight of Naruto suddenly so far away sending a hot flash of pain through him, leaving him disoriented and aching all over. Naruto looked like himself again, but the emotion behind his blue eyes looked just as floored as Sasuke felt, like he had no idea what had happened to them or why, like it hurt him just as much to see Sasuke suddenly so far away. 

Neither of them could seem to look away from each other.

Sasuke couldn't say how long they both existed in the space after what had just happened, lost and reeling, but he let his guard down all the same. Suddenly his sword was being pushed out from the man's chest and Sasuke was pulled back into battle, one that he quickly realized he didn't know how to focus on anymore. Sasuke jumped back up out of the crater his explosion had made, looking down and instantly meeting Naruto's eyes without the conscious thought to do so, so far away now Sasuke could hardly see blue at all. 

He knew he needed to fight, leave, do anything at all besides stand there crushed under the weight of this with the ghost of Naruto's touch still lingering on his skin, but he just couldn't. Sasuke couldn't seem to remember how to do a thing at all now besides look at Naruto and ache. His skin almost felt burnt he was so hot all over, irritated and overwhelmed, like even one moment more would be too much, but Sasuke couldn't remember how to look away. 

It suddenly felt impossible to understand how he'd ever looked away from the start.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled, his voice cracking horribly down the middle of them both, "You don't have to do this, you know this is wrong. I know you know this is wrong!"

Sasuke shook his head, throat raw and useless. He needed to leave, he needed to fight, he needed to scream at Naruto until the fool could understand that all of this was pointless, but even just the thought felt like a lie now. Sasuke felt irrevocably changed, different in a way too big for him to begin to understand, like the very foundation of who he had always been was crumbling and reshaping. More than anything Sasuke wished that Naruto would just stop looking up at him like that, completely stuck by something as everyday as a simple moment of eye contact.

Of course nothing about this was simple at all.

When Orochimaru and Kabuto touched down next to him Sasuke waited for relief that never came, still unable to pull his eyes away from Naruto to even acknowledge that they were there. A part of him hated them for it, more intensely and with more focus than he'd ever had before, because now that they were here it was over, this truly would be his last glimpse of Naruto until–

"Sasuke, as much as I'm sure you're enjoying this little reunion, it's time for us to leave."

Sasuke still couldn't bring himself to react to Orochimaru's words, trapped inside himself, in the feeling that seemed to have no beginning or end. His shock had faded into something else now, something that had always been there but he'd been too young and angry to know how to see it. But now there was no way for Sasuke to ignore it anymore, that when he looked at Naruto he saw all the hollowed out parts of himself looking back.

His mother's voice was ringing in his ears for the first time in so long, her voice soft and fond as she told him tales of great love and loss, of something only his family's eyes would ever be able to see. 

It will feel impossible Sasuke, but fate always feels that way in the moment. Don't run from it.

Sasuke watched Naruto until the very last moment, until the flames of Orochimaru's jutsu burned them away and even then he couldn't turn away from the spot Naruto had been, where everything Sasuke couldn't want had stood just outside of his own self imposed reach.

*

Orochimaru's new hideout was just like all the others, full of dark and twisting hallways larger than anything the three of them could possibly need. Sasuke was supposed to be on his way to train but he couldn't seem to bring himself to get up from his bed, his dreams clinging to him like a rotting second skin. This shouldn't have been happening, but every night since he'd seen Naruto they had been the exact same. 

At the start Sasuke was always running, not knowing why as panic grew like a living, breathing thing inside of him. It always seemed to last forever until suddenly he would trip and fall, bracing himself for an impact with the ground that never came. And then suddenly Naruto was there, the only thing Sasuke could see. Like a phantom of himself Naruto reached out silently, not screaming out Sasuke's name, not saying a single thing, somehow it's still loud enough for Sasuke's ears to ache.

The last bits of the dream always clung to Sasuke's mind, the relief he'd felt when he finally let himself reach back to Naruto like a slap to the face once Sasuke saw it in the light of day. Sasuke tried more than anything to forget the way Naruto always looked at him after that, knowing it wasn't anything more than an imagine made up by his traitorous mind. But there was a reason it was so clear, so painfully real and honest. 

Sasuke always woke up before his hand could reach Naruto's, though each night he always felt just that much closer, like if he reached just a bit harder they would actually be able to touch, not the fragmented versions of them just lived in his dreams but truly them. It was a thought without fact or reason, something Sasuke had no reason to believe but has grown inside of him to feel as true as the earth beneath his feet, as the bones beneath his skin. The truth had always been more dangerous that anyone dared to give it credit for.

Sasuke sensed Kabuto outside his door just before the knock came, turning on the bed so that his back was towards the door. The sound of it opening reached him and still Sasuke didn't react, glaring at the wall before him. It was ridiculous that someone like Kabuto thought he could come into Sasuke's room to begin with, let alone like this, uninvited and unwelcome.

"Sasuke, you're late."

Sasuke didn't move, couldn't seem to bring himself to react in any way still. He just couldn't bring himself to do it again, not after days and days of fighting to keep himself in check. Every time he closed his eyes Naruto was still there, waiting for him without saying a word. Even with his arms by his sides Sasuke still felt like he was reaching back, like whatever he was made out of beyond his flesh and blood always was now. 

"Sasuke," Kabuto snapped again, like Sasuke was some petulant child he needed to scold.

"Not today," Sasuke forced out, clenching his hands into fists. 

"That's not how this works, Orochimaru has so many better things to do than wait around for–" Kabuto's voice fell away as he choked, slammed back against the wall by Sasuke's hand around his throat. 

"Not. Today." Sasuke looked right at Kabuto as he spoke, watched the coward look down at the floor instead of face who he apparently dared to see as weak. With a disgusted sigh Sasuke pushed Kabuto out of the door, slamming it shut before he could say another word. 

Sasuke leaned back against the door and slid down until he hit the floor, regret already creeping up inside him. He couldn't have cared less about Kabuto, but Orochimaru wouldn't take kindly to being ignored like this. Sasuke let his eyes fall closed and just like always his thoughts fell away to Naruto's broken apart expression, his mind full of nothing but the way Naruto's voice had sounded calling out his name. 

Sasuke slammed his head back against the wall, somehow managing to hold in the scream waiting at the back of his throat. He couldn't go on like this, not when there was so much about himself that he couldn't understand anymore, so much so that Sasuke felt like a stranger even to himself now. Knowing it was the worst thing he could possibly do, Sasuke felt himself make the only choice he had left.

Apparently he had to see Naruto again. Somehow nothing had ever felt more absurd, more wonderful and terrifying.

*

Walking into Konoha of his own free will was beyond surreal. Sasuke kept waiting for someone to stop him as he walked through the village but no one did, just seeing an average looking man with light brown hair going by them. Sasuke had braced himself when a few of his old classmates walked passed, but they were the same as all the rest, hardly even sparing him a second glance. This village really was pathetically weak. 

Sasuke knew he didn't have a lot of time but he couldn't run and draw attention to himself. Orochimaru had decided today was the day they would move to a new hideout, so when they'd all left Sasuke hadn't followed. Orochimaru wouldn't be happy when he returned, but Sasuke would deal with that when the time came. He couldn't think of anything but finding Naruto now. If he was away on a mission Sasuke wasn't sure what he would do, but something inside of him told Sasuke that he wasn't, that Naruto was out there somewhere, so very close to him again.

Sasuke went past the ramen stand but Naruto wasn't there, and he couldn't tell if Naruto was in his apartment from outside. Unable to jump up to check and expose himself, Sasuke walked inside and went to Naruto's front door. 

For a moment Sasuke couldn't bring himself to knock, panic crashing into him just as the reality of what he was doing hit him. If he didn't reveal himself to Naruto he wouldn't be able to figure out a single thing, and if he did there was no way Naruto would let him leave quietly. There was really no way this could go well for him, and if he'd had any sense left Sasuke knew he would have just turned around and left, now before he was seen and made things even worse for himself.

Sasuke knocked on Naruto's door. 

There was a loud sound from inside the apartment followed by a curse, and then Naruto was pulling the door open. He was in a t-shirt and boxers, his hair sticking up in every direction even more so than usual, everything about him making it abundantly clear that he'd just woken up. Sasuke's chest hurt, but he couldn't begin to understand why.

"Yeah?" Naruto asked as he yawned, rubbing a hand through his hair before blinking away the sleep still clinging to his eyes.

"Naruto," Sasuke began, the sound of someone else's voice coming out of him setting him on edge before Sasuke quickly realized that he had no idea where to begin. But apparently he didn't need to know, because the moment he spoke Naruto's entire expression changed, looking at Sasuke like he was seeing him for the first time. After a quick glance down both sides of the hallway Naruto reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling Sasuke inside his apartment and shutting the door behind them all at once.

Sasuke didn't want to believe it was true, but the way Naruto was looking at him now left no room for doubt; Naruto knew it was him, despite no one else recognizing Sasuke or sparing him a passing glance, Naruto heard him speak only once in a stranger's voice and knew. 

Naruto always just knew.

"Are you really…" Naruto started before trailing off, looking at Sasuke like he didn't know how to believe what he was about to say.

Instead of responding with words Sasuke just let his jutsu fall away, standing before Naruto as his true self again. Naruto's hand jerked at his side, like for a moment he'd meant to move and held himself back . 

"Sasuke," Naruto breathed out in that certain way he had, loud and soft all at once. 

It felt like Sasuke was giving up all over again. "Naruto." 

"What are you doing here?" Naruto asked, his voice shifting to something close to panicked as his eyes moved rapidly over Sasuke, obviously checking for an injury. "Did you sneak into the village? Is anyone with you?"

"I'm alone," Saduke started, searching for words that didn't make him sound like the desperate fool that he'd become and finding none. "I came to see you."

Sasuke expected another round of questions but none came, Naruto just stood there looking at him, his expression going distant after a moment before softening all over. "Because of what happened," Naruto finally said, not a question at all. 

Sasuke nodded as he looked down at the floor between them, unable to take it anymore. Naruto was looking at him like Sasuke being there was the best thing to ever happen to him, and Sasuke felt like each breath he took would drown him in his age-old grief. He had never planned on staying. Sasuke knew that he'd already been there for too long, that he needed to just ask his questions and leave, but he couldn't. Sasuke let the silence build up between them as he looked down at Naruto's bare feet like a coward. 

"What was that?" Naruto finally asked, his voice as fragile as Sasuke had ever heard it. 

"I don't know." Sasuke lifted his head and met Naruto's eyes, the emotion waiting for him there threatening to swallow him whole. "I didn't do it, after I pushed down the fox I tried to pull us both out but it didn't work. That's never happened to me before."

Naruto's expression turned pensive. "Do you have any idea why it happened?" 

"Maybe," Sasuke lied. Each day that passed it became more and more impossible for him to ignore the truth, but it felt impossible to believe it as such when it went against everything he'd ever known. There was no way that could really be the truth for him and Naruto. It just couldn't be. "Have your dreams changed?"

Naruto blinked. "My dreams? Have yours?"

"Yes," Sasuke said simply, not willing to elaborate any further. 

"What are they like?" Naruto asked after a moment, looking at Sasuke like he was debating what more to say before saying nothing at all. 

"I've had the same dream every night since." Sasuke hadn't meant to speak but found the words falling out of him anyway, lost in that something in Naruto's eyes again just like the last time. "At the start I'm running for what feels like forever, and then I fall but I never hit the ground. I just turn and see you reaching out for me and then–and then I wake up."

"But you reach back for me," Naruto finished, something clear and sure coming over his expression, "right?" 

Sasuke nodded, terrified and awe filled, desperate to believe and never let it be true. A chill came over him despite his burning skin. Sasuke willed his words to come out like a question and failed. "You've been having it too." 

Naruto nodded, just looking at him for a long moment, his expression unlike any Sasuke could remember seeing before now. "You know what this means, don't you?"

Sasuke nodded, nerves twisting up his insides. 

"So what do we do?" 

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked, tensing up all over when Naruto took a step closer to him.

"I mean, that's why you're here right? To deal with this?"

Sasuke had only wanted to see him again.

"There is no dealing with it, it just is." Sasuke kept waiting for Naruto to ask what it was but he never did. Maybe he didn't need to. Maybe he'd known the entire time and he'd only ever been waiting for Sasuke to catch up. Sasuke almost felt like he'd known once too, a knowledge that had lived in the softest part of himself that had been long since torn out.

But maybe he'd failed in that too. Maybe it had never left him at all.

"So then why are you here?" Naruto asked, hope creeping up in his voice that made Sasuke burn all over. "Are you coming–"

"No," Sasuke cut in, unwilling to let Naruto believe it was possible for even a moment longer. Sasuke braced himself for Naruto's list of reasons on why Sasuke should stay, for all the ways he was being used and would end up being betrayed but they never came. Naruto just kept looking at him, an endless look that pulled Sasuke's chest tight.

"Then why are you here Sasuke? Why come back and see me at all?" 

Naruto looked how Sasuke always saw him in his mind now, heartbroken, like every hurt in the world was twisting him up inside and only Sasuke was to blame. It felt wrong in a way Sasuke couldn't describe, like he was betraying a fundamental truth of who they were, of who he was, of what they were both supposed to be for each other. "I don't know," Sasuke found himself saying, "I just wanted–I don't know."

Naruto took another step towards him, suddenly as close as he'd been when there had been nothing in the world but the two of them. Sasuke could see the lighter flexs of blue in his eyes now, the trail of a few barely there freckles running across his nose. Sasuke watched his hand like it belonged to someone else reach up and hold Naruto's face, thumb running along the slightly raised marks on his cheek. All the reasons he'd had not to do this faded away, the anger that was so a part of him now Sasuke couldn't remember how to feel anything without it suddenly gone like it had never been there at all. There was only Naruto, and every countless conflicting emotion that truth made Sasuke feel. 

All he could seem to want now was to lean in and kiss him, the thought so jarring Sasuke dropped his hand and stepped back, turning around so he didn't have to see Naruto's expression anymore. His breath was coming heavy and Sasuke ran a hand through his hair, trying in vain to calm down, to even remember what being calm felt like. This couldn't be them, for every reason there was this couldn't be, and yet Sasuke felt completely powerless to fight against it now. Him being here was proof enough.

"Sasuke," Naruto said softly from behind him, and like the fool he'd let himself become Sasuke turned back to face him. 

"Don't," Sasuke forced out, his voice ruining it. He felt terrified in a way that he never had before, like Naruto held his entire life in his hands, like with just one small word he could split Sasuke down to the bone.

"It's okay," Naruto said, his eyes the only thing Sasuke could still see as he took another step closer, "It's okay Sasuke."

Nothing was okay. Sasuke knew that nothing would ever really be okay again but when Naruto said it that way it almost felt true, like everything really would be if Sasuke only just stayed. But Sasuke couldn't stay, he knew that, he should have already been turning away to leave again. You would have thought he'd be used to doing it by now, but against all reason it only got harder each time. Even just the idea of leaving Naruto now felt like a physical ache inside of him, like even his body itself knew that it was wrong.

When Naruto leaned in Sasuke couldn't do a thing but let him, his panic and worry and anger all falling away when Naruto's lips pressed against his own. A rush of emotion crashed over him that was too big to name, and without thinking Sasuke leaned into it too. A feeling completely unlike anything he'd ever felt before was slowly filling him up inside, and Sasuke was close enough to the edge that instead of running from it he just let himself fall in, terrified but unafraid all at once.

What had felt soft and fragile just moments before now felt hot and desperate, like every place they weren't touching was a mistake, like something inside of him would die if they were ever forced to be parted again. Sasuke hadn't known he could want someone like this, with everything that he was, like it was the only thing that mattered to him anymore. His thoughts had dissolved into nothing but a Naruto Naruto Naruto on an endless loop inside of him, aching for more even when they were pressed against each other all over. 

Sasuke couldn't say when they'd moved but his arms were up around Naruto's neck now, hand twisted in the back of his hair. Naruto's hands were low and warm on his back, pressing just enough to keep them together. Sasuke pulled back with a gasp and Naruto's mouth just moved down to his throat, sucking right below Sasuke's jaw and pulling a sound from Sasuke that he could hardly recognize as his own, open and horribly exposing.

"Naruto," Sasuke breathed out, sounding as shaken as he felt, "We can't–" 

"Yes we can." Naruto raised his head back up to meet Sasuke's eye, his lips red and swollen. For a moment he looked like he would keep talking but Naruto just leaned back in instead, kissing Sasuke for another breathless moment that he couldn't make himself pull away from. "Why can't we?"

Sasuke shook as he felt his face begin to burn, embarrassment and longing battling away inside of him. "We just can't," he managed to say, biting his lower lip in a vain attempt to keep himself from saying another word. 

Naruto's face softened. "Why?"

All Sasuke could do was shake his head.

"If you don't want to, you can just tell me."

"That's not–" Sasuke snapped his mouth shut but knew that it was already too late, the words he'd been about to say hanging in the air between them regardless. Sasuke felt as exposed as he ever had, fighting back his overwhelming urge to flinch away from the feeling.

And then Naruto spoke and only made it worse. "Don't start being a coward now Sasuke."

"I am not a coward." Sasuke let out a rough sound and finally put some distance back between them.

Naruto looked unmoved, a sight so rare Sasuke almost felt like he couldn't recognize him for a moment. "Then be honest, for once just tell me."

Sasuke was back to the worst version of himself, small and evasive and clumsy. He couldn't even look at Naruto anymore. "Tell you what?"

"Anything. Anything that actually matters."

Naruto sounded so tired. Sasuke wondered if there would ever be any end to his own selfishness, his tunnel vision life that only left room for Naruto to flash through the cracks and nothing more. 

Once it was all over, maybe then. Maybe. 

"Sasuke."

Looking up slowly Sasuke swallowed, knowing only what he couldn't say. "Me being here doesn't say it? What we just did wasn't enough? What do you want from me Naruto?"

"But you said we can't–"

"I know what I said!" Sasuke forced his hands to fall open and loose at his sides, his knuckles aching. A years old longing was pushing up beneath his ribs, the child-like wish that he could have lived any other life but his own. "I said it because one of us had to. We can't afford to pretend."

The moment the words escaped Sasuke knew he'd still managed to find the wrong ones.

"Who said anything about pretending?" Naruto walked up to him again, taking Sasuke's hand in his own. "I'm not, are you?"

Sasuke didn't remember turning but found that he had, lost completely in the span of his next breath. It felt like even if he saw Naruto everyday forever it would never feel like this moment, like the first time you saw it rain when the sun was still out or the first time you heard a crack of thunder in the sky; each time was singular and undefinable, awe inspiring in one moment and heartbreaking in the next. "No," Sasuke finally forced out, his voice smaller than he ever let it be anymore.

Naruto squeezed his hand. "I know that you–just let me help you. Anything you're facing, I know we can face it together. We've always been stronger together Sasuke, always."

More than anything now Sasuke just wished he could cry. "No."

Some of the irritation and inpatients Sasuke knew so well finally bleed into Naruto's eyes. "Say something else."

"No."

"And people call me the immature one."

"I'm not being immature, I'm the only one that–"

There was a knock at Naruto's front door. 

For a moment they both just looked at each other, Naruto starting to turn towards his door before he saw Sasuke start to lift up his hands to put his disguise back in place. His eyes went just a fraction wider. "Wait."

Sasuke waited but Naruto didn't say a word. "What?"

But Naruto just shook his head, eyes going soft before he leaned in and kissed Sasuke again, soft and too brief before pulling away. The last bit of his expression Sasuke could see before he turned away was more complex that Sasuke was prepared for, too much there just because of them. He couldn't begin to imagine what his own face must have looked like.

"Change back," Naruto said just as he started reaching out to open his door.

The worst part of himself whispered to do the exact opposite, his crustacean heart that had lost its shell long ago.

Sasuke changed back, looking at Naruto's back all the while. Instead of letting the person at the door inside, Naruto stepped out into the hallway with them, even now protecting Sasuke when all it would really do was make it easier for Sasuke to leave him again. Naruto really was a fool, even if it felt like the opposite was true. What they were to each other couldn't matter next to everything that Sasuke still had left to do.

Sasuke let himself have one more moment, pretending he could be someone else, and then he jumped out Naruto's window. 

*

Orochimaru wasn't at the first hideout Sasuke checked, and they weren't at the second or third either. When Sasuke walked into the fourth he couldn't even bring himself to be surprised when they weren't there anymore. Maybe he would never find them again, maybe he really had thrown it all away for Naruto, with nothing left to show for it. 

Sasuke was so angry all at once his hands shook where he stood, at Naruto, Orochimaru, his brother, the world that had apparently decided his entire existence was destined to be one never ending joke. Just once he wanted to do something right, to not have to tear himself apart inside after every choice he made. Just once he wanted to breathe and not ache all over, thoughts screaming at him to do more, be more, that he still wasn't finished.

He was just so tired of never being enough.

There was no point in staying so Sasuke went back and topped off his supplies before making his way back through the cavern of hallways to leave again. But when he stepped back outside Sasuke froze in his tracks, his mind trying to make sense of what he was seeing. What had been an empty field when he had walked inside now had a giant white tree just a few steps away from him, it's leaves red like blood. Sasuke activates his sharingan but nothing changed, it looked the way any tree had ever looked, completely ordinary. Slowly Sasuke took a step towards it and then stopped, heart pounding against his chest.

There was a woman standing at the base of the tree now, short and old, hair wild and hiding most of her face from view. But she couldn't be. If the tree had looked normal she looked completely wrong, the way no human ever looked. The shape of her was there but that was it, his sharingan could see nothing at all where she should have been, like a void standing before him taken shape.

Panic crushed him and Sasuke tried to move, to speak, to do anything at all besides stand there in frozen shock but he couldn't. Sweat broke out over his skin as the woman lifted her head, looking back at him with eyes too big for her faces, because there was more than one, all of them twisted up and awful pressed together in too small a space. Her eyes all blinked at different times so one set of them was always watching him, like they were waiting.

Completely outside of his control Sasuke started walking forward, fighting with everything he had to stop but his body didn't even hesitate, moving forward like it was exactly what he wanted to do. Just before he reached her the woman turned, there one moment and gone the next. Sasuke just kept walking, stepping right in front of the tree and in the next step he was somewhere else altogether. 

The field and the tree were gone, and the woman was nowhere to be found when Sasuke realized he could move again and looked around. He was standing in some kind of valley, rocks stacked up and crumbled all around him like a battle had just taken place. Sasuke blinked and there was blood smeared across the rocks by his feet, still red and fresh. Someone was breathing roughly behind him, the sound of it wet and choked and awful, the sound of someone dying. Sasuke turned towards the noise despite himself.

Itachi was laid across the rocks, his body bent in a way that made it clear it was broken beyond repair, that he was dying. Itachi was dying. Sasuke looked down and saw blood on his hands, the same blood on the rocks at his feet, the same blood trailing out of Itachi's mouth. He had killed him. His brother was dying before his eyes and he had killed him. Sasuke waited for the satisfaction to come over him, the vindication, the peace of knowing he had finally avenged his family but it never came. All Sasuke could see was the last family he had bleeding out at his feet. 

"No," Sasuke gasped as he fell to his knees, reaching out to hold Itachi's face, to press a hand against the gaping wound in his chest, "No."

"Little brother," Itachi gasped, his mouth pulling up into a red wet smile, "It's okay."

"I don't want to be alone," Sasuke cried, not meaning to say the words at all but they came spilling out just like the tears from his eyes, unwanted and true. "Please don't leave me alone here, please."

"You're not alone," Itachi said as his voice went soft and weak, "If you could let go you would see that."

Sasuke held onto him tighter, blood all the way up to his elbows now until suddenly he was holding nothing, falling against the blood stained rocks with a rough sound. "Itachi!" Sasuke yelled, pushing himself up and spinning around but his brother was still nowhere to be found.

He was alone. 

Sasuke fell to his knees and then Itachi was there again, bleeding out beneath his hands. Sasuke tried to hold onto him but in another moment he was gone, nothing but blood on the rock. 

"Stop," Sasuke said as he fell against the rocks, "Whatever this is, please just stop." Sasuke blinked and his hands were pressed against a bloody chest again, letting his head fall against it as his eyes fell closed. "Please stop."

"It's okay," said a voice that didn't belong to his brother, just as arms came up to wrap around Sasuke back. "It's okay Sasuke."

"Naruto," Sasuke breathed out as he turned and clung to him, knowing his voice anywhere. "You're bleeding."

"It's okay," Naruto said again as he ran a hand through Sasuke's hair, getting blood all over, "I told you I would do anything for you."

Sasuke lifted his head and looked into Naruto's painfully blue eyes. "Not this. I don't want you to do this for me Naruto."

Naruto smiled, blood slowly dripping from his mouth. "But you did this."

"No," Sasuke pressed out, clinging to Naruto even tighter, "I couldn't have."

"You were ready to before. Are you really surprised this is how we end up?" 

"No," Sasuke said again, hands slipping in all the blood spilling from Naruto's chest, feeling like he was breaking in two for the last time, like his body really wouldn't be able to hold him together after this, "I can't have done this to you."

"Let go Sasuke," Naruto said quietly, that sad red smile still on his face. 

Between one blink and the next Naruto was gone, Sasuke falling forward as a rough sound escaped him. It took a moment for him to realize that everything else was gone too, he felt so crushed. Lifting his head Sasuke saw he was back in the field, the tree and the woman nowhere to be found. Looking back he saw the entrance to the compound but there was no one there still, it was just him. He was alone. Everything that had just happened was so surreal all he could do was lay there with his forehead in the dirt, trying and failing to make sense out of any of it.

It hadn't felt like any genjutsu ever had, but there was no other explanation that made sense. But he was alone. There was no one here that could have done this to him. He was alone. Having no idea what to do or where to go Sasuke just sat in the dirt, trying to find sense and logic when he knew there was none to be found.

The feeling of Naruto's blood on his hands wouldn't go away, and the shape of his brother's broken, dead body wouldn't leave his mind. It felt impossible that it would ever be something he could want to see again, let alone make happen by his own hand.

Failure wasn't a big enough word for the feeling crushing him to the dirt now.

*

Sasuke ended up in a small village he'd never heard of before, roughly a week away from the last hideout he'd checked. The people looked at him strangely but didn't turn him away from buying a room for the night, so Sasuke didn't think much of it. He couldn't think much of anything anymore, lost and directionless and drowning. The burning drive inside of him was just gone, no matter how hard Sasuke tried to find the feeling again. Every day he blinked and saw Itachi bleeding on the rocks, and every night when he slept Naruto was waiting behind his eyes. 

Nothing had changed but somehow everything was different, to the point that Sasuke hardly knew how to recognize his own thoughts, his own wants, his purpose for existing. Guilt ate away inside of him for things he hadn't done yet, things he had always planned on doing but now felt so impossible it was all he could do not to scream. Was he really this weak that one strange vision was all it took to sway him from his path? Was a kiss really enough to shake the foundations of who he was? 

Each day that passed everything made less and less sense, and Sasuke hated more and more that all he wanted was to find Naruto again. Seeing Naruto wouldn't change anything, but the feeling in his chest wasn't rational, beating against his skull in time with his heart that he shouldn't be there, that he didn't need to be alone, didn't need to feel this crushingly empty anymore. 

But he couldn't go back there. He just couldn't.

Sasuke gripped his drink tighter where he sat at the bar, contemplating something stronger when someone sat down next to him. Sasuke turned his head and found the absolutely last person he expected to see looking back at him.

"Hello Sasuke," Kakashi said simply, like it was just any other day and they saw each other all the time. 

Sasuke tensed all over but Kakashi didn't look like he was about to fight him, not in this room full of people. It didn't really matter either way if he did want to fight, Sasuke couldn't find it in himself to care now, not against the emotion still swirling up inside of him. Sasuke glanced around the bar but didn't see anyone else he recognized, so either Kakashi was alone or the team wasn't with him. "Kakashi."

"Sorry I missed you before, I was feeling a bit under the weather."

Sasuke made a low noise, waiting for Kakashi to get to the point of whatever this meeting was. But Kakashi didn't say anything beyond motioning to the bartender for his own drink, seemingly content to sit in silence together. It was as strange as anything that had happened to him recently, so Sasuke couldn't even find it in himself to be surprised. There really wasn't any aspect of his life that wasn't the worst kind of joke anymore. 

"So what brings you here Sasuke?" Kakashi asked in a casual voice, like they were two friends catching up. 

"It's as good a place as any." 

Kakashi almost looked surprised he'd said anything. "Been here before?"

"No." Sasuke picked up his glass and drained it. He really should have ordered something stronger, even if it was something he never did. What did anything he'd ever done matter now?

"I must say I'm surprised, of all the people I expected to mellow with age you would have been last on the list."

Sasuke huffed out something close to a laugh. "I haven't. I'm so far from calm I don't really know what to do with myself anymore." Sasuke knew he shouldn't be speaking but found that now that he'd started the words wouldn't stop. "You were right, you know."

"About what?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

For a long moment Kakashi said nothing. "Did you–"

"No," Sasuke cut in, not willing to even hear Kakashi say the words. The image of his brother was still so painfully fresh in his mind.

Kakashi said nothing, watching him for a moment. Sasuke didn't want to hear anything he had to say, but found himself waiting for Kakashi to speak regardless, suddenly feeling all of twelve years old.

"Naruto's here," Kakashi said simply, "I can take you to him if you want."

Sasuke wanted to argue, wanted to tell Kakashi that he didn't need anyone, least of all Naruto, but the words wouldn't come. He felt hollowed out inside just knowing Naruto was there at all, Sasuke couldn't imagine what leaving again would feel like now. 

Maybe he'd finally forgotten how.

"Where is he?"

*

"Hey Kakashi," Naruto called out just as Sasuke and Kakashi stepped inside the room, turned away from the door and just starting to look back at them, "Do you know where…" 

Naruto looked as dumb as he ever had standing there gapping at him, but Sasuke couldn't remember a time the sight of someone had brought him so much relief. Something in his chest relaxed, still lost but for once the ache was gone, the panic no longer crawling against his ribs. Naruto was fine, there was no blood pouring out of him, he was right there, whole and beautiful. Sasuke hadn't realized how irrationally afraid he had been until this moment, finally seeing Naruto in front of him again. 

"Sasuke," Sakura said from where she stood by the table, clearly shocked though Sasuke couldn't bring himself to turn and look. 

Before he gave it any thought Sasuke started walking forward, closer and closer until he was right in front of Naruto's shocked face and wrapped his arms around him. Sasuke turned his face into Naruto's neck, breathing him in as he relaxed all over. He should have cared that Kakashi and Sakura were right there watching them. He should have cared that he could feel himself caving, giving up on what he had sworn to do above everything else. He should have cared about so many things but he just couldn't, not now, not now that he finally knew. Sasuke could only bring himself to care about one thing.

Feeling his eyes begin to sting Sasuke moved to pull back but Naruto wrapped his arms around him, holding Sasuke against him and pressing a kiss to the side of his forehead. Sasuke burned all over but didn't pull away. Then Kakashi cleared his throat behind them and Sasuke cringed as he stepped back, looking down at both of their feet. 

"Is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?" Sakara asked after a beat with disbelief clear in her voice.

"Don't look at me," Kakashi said, "I don't really know either."

Sasuke looked up and met Naruto's wide blue eyes, seeing the unasked question looking back at him. "Can we talk alone?"

"We're not leaving," Sakura snapped, her voice hard, "After what happened last time, you must really believe we're fools if you think we will leave you alone with Naruto."

"Sakura–"

"It's fine Naruto." Even as he said it the words felt like a lie. Sasuke had no idea what he could say, even less now that they wouldn't be alone. But maybe that didn't change a thing. Maybe there was only one thing he could say now. "I'm sorry."

"What?" Naruto asked in a quiet voice, the look on his face close to too much for Sasuke to take in.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said again, feeling like the words were being torn out of him, "You don't– I'm sorry it's me. You deserve so much better than me."

Naruto stayed quiet for a moment, just looking at him before a blinding smile broke across his face. "Are you coming back?"

Sasuke sighed before nodding, knowing he should have felt like a failure but unable to find the emotion when Naruto was looking at him like that, like Sasuke was the answer to every question he'd ever had, every need he'd ever felt. Sasuke saw the moment it started to happen but couldn't bring himself to pull away, quietly accepting that he probably never would again. Naruto's lips were soft and warm against his own, a short kiss that still left him shaken inside. 

"I knew you would," Naruto said as he pulled him into another hug, "I never doubted it Sasuke."

Naruto pulled away too soon, forcing Sasuke to turn and finally look at the other two people in the room. Kakashi looked vaguely amused and Sakura looked something bigger than shocked, an emotion there Sasuke couldn't bring himself to name. Sasuke could only hold her eyes for a moment before he looked away. 

"Sakura," Kakshi said just as the silence started to be too much, "Let's give them a minute."

Sasuke braced himself for her argument but it never came, she just looked at them both for a moment more, turning a look at Naruto Sasuke couldn't begin to understand before she turned and walked out of the room without a word. 

"Be back soon," Kakashi said in an overly cheerful voice before he followed her out of the door.

And then they were alone. 

Sasuke didn't know which of them moved first, all he knew was that seemingly all at once Naruto was pressed against him and pushing Sasuke down onto the bed. He couldn't help the groan that slipped out of him, overwhelmed and so much more than that he couldn't bear to think of.

"Sasuke," Naruto breathed against his mouth, kissing down the line of his jaw, just below his ear, along the side of his neck. He sounded unlike Sasuke had ever heard him before, voice close to trembling, "Sasuke."

"I know," Sasuke managed to get, somehow knowing he felt just the same. Naruto had hardly touched him at all but just like before it already felt like close to too much, better than anything ever should have been. 

"You have to stay," Naruto whispered against his lips, hardly even kissing anymore but not pulling away, "You can't leave again."

Sasuke kissed him again, trying to put all the feelings he couldn't put into words behind it. Naruto had to understand, he had to know that Sasuke had never left because of him, that he was the only reason Sasuke had agonized over the choice at all. Sasuke had only found himself again because Naruto had never lost sight of who he really was, even when the rest of the world had let him drift off on the wind until he was nothing but stale dust.

Wanting Naruto this much now made Sasuke feel alive like he never had been, the way even a perfect fight couldn't come close to touching. Trying to make sense of the twisting mass of emotion inside of him only made Sasuke feel like he was a breath away from falling over the edge of a cliff, but the longer the were together again the more impossible that felt, until it all threatened to spill from his eyes and take any choice from him at all.

"They won't be gone that long," Naruto said quietly, his thumb moving softly just below Sasuke's lower lip. He was just barely smiling, like he wasn't even aware of it.

Sasuke knew there were countless things they needed to talk about, but all of that felt far away with Naruto right there beside him. Everything else felt so miraculously far off, like Sasuke could actually relax without guilt. He leaned up and kissed Naruto again, lingering as he realized that he could, that Naruto wanted him too just as much.

Sasuke pulled back and found Naruto already watching him, a small content smile on his flushed face. Sasuke felt one try to pull at his own mouth as his eyes began to burn, desperate to say something with no idea how. How could he make Naruto understand just how much he had given him? How could he make Naruto understand just how much he mattered, how impossible it felt that he was really there? Sasuke hadn't known he still had this much left inside of himself to give, and now the weight of it all threatened to crush him. 

"It's okay," Naruto said softly, reaching out to hold the side of Sasuke's face, "We'll figure it out."

Some part of him wanted to argue but an even bigger part of him knew it was true. They had already been through so much just to get to this moment, and even if he would always doubt himself Sasuke couldn't doubt Naruto, not when he was the one who had never given up on them both. Naruto had stared into the years and distance between them and just kept running towards him, unafraid and completely impossible and all of it was for them. Sasuke still couldn't quite believe Naruto was real sometimes, that he'd truly never wavered, never doubted Sasuke at all. 

"You're ridiculous," Sasuke said quietly, "You know that right? I can't believe this."

"Believe what?" Naruto asked quietly, leaning into the small space left between them. 

Sasuke shook his head, the words stuck at the back of his throat. Naruto was too close like this, Sasuke could hardly string his thoughts together let alone form the actual words. Naruto was too much of everything. 

"Tell me," Naruto said, squeezing his hand. 

"I just," Sasuke started, licking his lips as a flash of irrational nerves came over him, "I feel like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and all of this will have been another dream, that neither of us will know."

Naruto leaned in and kissed him softly, pulling back just enough to speak. "I would know, even if this is all a dream, I would know it's true."

There were so many things Sasuke wanted to say, needed to tell him, but the words just wouldn't come. Sasuke leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Naruto instead, head resting in the crook of his neck. His hand ached where he held onto Naruto's back, tight enough he knew it had to hurt but Naruto didn't pull away, he held Sasuke to him just as tightly, like he couldn't bear any space between them either. Sasuke burned all over with an emotion he couldn't name, bigger than he could process when just weeks ago even the idea of it wouldn't have been possible at all.

"Can I say something without you freaking out?" Naruto's voice was light but nervous, his hand moving absentmindedly through Sasuke's hair but he looked just slightly off, shifting just slightly to his side and suddenly felt stiff and awkward all over for a flash of a moment.

Sasuke shifted his weight back onto his side too to face Naruto fully. He had hoped Naruto wouldn't look as nervous as he sounded, but if anything he almost looked worse, and Sasuke couldn't begin to understand it. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, the words awkward and heavy coming out of his mouth, not even sure when he'd said them last, longer still since he'd said meant them.

"Nothing," Naruto said as he glanced down and away for a moment, the tops of his ears just beginning to turn pink, "I just wanted to say that–I'm just really happy you're here, that's all."

Sasuke knew Naruto wasn't saying everything, but didn't feel the need to push him now, not when whatever it was was so clearly a struggle for Naruto to say. It wasn't like they didn't have time, they would have nothing but time now. A sudden thrill ran through him and Sasuke found himself smiling again, watching the nerves fall away from Naruto's expression as he gave him a slightly confused smile in return. 

"What?" Naruto's voice was somewhere between amused and embarrassed. "Why are you looking at me like that?" 

"Completely ridiculous," Sasuke said after a moment, and then softly and hating every moment of it, "I can't believe I missed you this much."

Naruto's expression looked almost pained for a moment he was feeling so much, but before Sasuke had a chance to do anything the door was opening and Naruto bolted up and off the bed, leaving himself standing in the middle of the room in a way that was much more obvious than just sitting on the bed next to Sasuke would have been. Naruto looked back at him with a sheepish smile and Sasuke rolled his eyes, biting down the one that wanted to pull up the corners of his mouth. He really was completely helpless to it now, weak for Naruto in every way. 

He couldn't even remember how to be mad about it, how to care that every emotion was painted across his face for them all to see. Sasuke couldn't care about anything but Naruto smiling back at him, those same emotions shining out from behind his eyes. Loving someone had never been something Sasuke thought he would do, would even be capable of, but no moment had ever felt easier for him to live in, now that he was finally done fighting against the truth of who they were. 

It had always been him and Naruto after all, and nothing had ever made Sasuke as happy as the realization that it always would be.

*

"Old man!" Naruto yelled as they sat down, "Look who I brought!"

Sasuke sat down and had a moment of strange eye contact with the stand owner. Then the man smiled. "Welcome back."

Sasuke bit back the irrational urge to say I'm home and nodded instead. 

"I told you I would bring him back," Naruto said, sounding entirely too smug for Sasuke's liking.

"I brought myself back."

"Whatever," Naruto said, waving his hand at him, "Same difference."

"The usual?"

Naruto shook his head. "Just one bowl of each of us today, we have places to be."

Sasuke waited until the man walked to the back before turning to look at Naruto. "Where do we need to be?" 

"What? Oh nowhere, I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, not getting three bowls like usual."

Sasuke felt himself smile again and had to wonder if this feeling would ever start to fade, if one day he would be able to look at Naruto without feeling warm all over. Every past version of himself would have been bigger than angry if they were sitting here now, back in Konoha without completely his goal, but the feeling just wasn't there. Naruto was whole and so obviously happy right next to him, because of him, it felt like more than Sasuke ever could have dreamed of. The only anger he could feel was at himself for casting this aside before he'd known what he was giving up, for how blind he'd been to everything but what he thought he had to do for years. 

"No one's gonna recognize you if you keep smiling so much."

"Don't get used to it," Sasuke said, somehow still smiling, "And it's not like I'll smile at them anyway."

Naruto rested an elbow on the counter and leaned towards him on his stool, closer than Sasuke was ready for while they were out where anyone could see them. But maybe Naruto didn't care about anything like that, if anything he probably wanted everyone to see them together now. Maybe Sasuke did too. 

"I know I should tell you to smile at other people, but I really don't want to." Naruto reached up and pinched his face, pulling Sasuke's smile out even wider. "I don't think the world is ready for this."

"Get off," Sasuke said as he slapped Naruto's hand away, biting back what he was going to say when the man walked back out with their food. 

Naruto had the nerve to pinch his face again before moving back to sitting up straight on his stool. The man laughed quietly to himself as he set down their food, giving Naruto a fond look before walking away to the back again. Naruto picked up his chopsticks and looked at him, grinning from ear to ear. 

"Oh god, please don't tell me you still say it."

But of course he did. Sasuke looked down at his food so Naruto couldn't see the smile pulling at his lips again, taking his first bite and falling into the past for a moment. As ridiculous as it was Sasuke really felt it now all at once, that he was back, that he was really there with Naruto again. 

Even just a few months ago this moment would have been pointless to him, meaningless and seen as nothing but a waste of time, when nothing could have been further from the truth.

Naruto glanced at him, quickly sucking the rest of his noodles into his mouth. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Sasuke shook his head. "Just the same stupid expression that's always there."

"Hey!" Naruto said around a laugh, "I know you love my face Sasuke, you can't lie about it anymore."

A moment away from speaking Sasuke stopped himself, remembering for what felt like the countless time already that he didn't have to hold himself back anymore. A smile had never felt easier to give. "Yeah, I guess you're right." 

**Author's Note:**

> as i was finishing editing this fic i realized they never actually Talk about being soulmates but i found that so hilariously in character that i had to leave it lmao


End file.
